Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
