I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
