all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
