I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
