Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
