Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
