My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
