Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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