The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
How external is "for external use only"?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
