she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
