is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
