He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
