Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
