My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
