Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Randomize
