This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize