i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
