This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
My cat gives me a boner
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
