You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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