she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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