dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
