Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
