they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
