If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
