Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
