My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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