sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
