I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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