apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
my sisters under your porch take her home
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
