it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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