I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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