margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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