Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
