I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
