WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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