Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
