i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Randomize