Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
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