The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
