I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize