I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
