got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
