how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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