You're a womanizer and a bitch.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
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