My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
