false alarm. still invincible.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
