obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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