Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
