Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
