My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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