I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
