Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
