their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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