I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
