Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
