last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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