i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
