Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
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