you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
