I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
