so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
