I met the friendliest cop last night
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
