Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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