Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Randomize
