the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
