Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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